It Feels Like Home

A Boston girl goes Hollywood then chucks it away for a life in OZ… these are my adventures and general musings.

February 23rd February 23, 2010

Filed under: Life — Holly @ 3:28 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

Today was Tegan’s estimated delivery date. Instead of having a newborn, I have a 2 month old. I know in all likelihood she probably would not have been born today but still, it does sting a bit to know that she should have been born around this time. In some ways, today is a bit sad for me- it’s like I failed in the pregnancy/mom department. The one thing I was suppose to do was to carry her to term and I failed! But, when I’m feeling down, I just have to look at my sweet little girl and everything is okay.

In many ways, I feel I was robbed of a full pregnancy. I didn’t get to experience my belly growing to its fullest or all the kicks and punches that Tegan could dish out. And yes, I even miss suffering through the back aches and swelling that ail most pregnant women. We didn’t get to have our nine additional weeks of preparing for our loved one. We never got to take our natural childbirth, breastfeeding or Infant CPR & first aid classes. We never got to get our little one’s nursery together or pack our hospital bag. We never got to experience the excitement of those final few weeks or wonder how labor was going to happen. We never… it could go on and on. Instead of being a native of Boston, Tegan is a native of Palm Springs- the place where people go to retire and wind down their lives, not start them! With more time, we could have settled on a different name for our sweet baby girl. Who knows, our Tegan could have been a Sloane, Maeve, Delia or Elyn. Instead, we had to make a split second decision and Tegan Rose it was- we hope you like it, girly!

It’s weird to think that at this moment, Tegan should be growing inside of me. Right now she is double her birth weight and it just amazes me that something her current size- or even bigger- should be in my belly. Sometimes when I hold Tegan and her little feet squirm around on my belly, it feels like she’s kicking from inside of me. It’s weird, I know. As if I didn’t have enough guilt to deal with, my mind goes and plays tricks on me! At times, I feel just terrible that our early bird didn’t get to reap the advantages of maturing to full term and therefore had such a rough go at life from the start. I’m sorry little one. I only hope that having gone through what you’ve experienced makes you stronger.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not always a Debbie Downer and I feel especially happy to have been blessed with a feisty, sweet, beautiful little girl. She’s so very special because she was so brave and so strong to come into the world so early. I read somewhere, that every baby comes through his/ her own door and this was Tegan’s grand entrance…a Christmas miracle. 

In the end, we had a happy ending and considering everything we went through, I am so very thankful for a relatively healthy and happy baby girl. I know she will continue to grow big and strong and thrive. Every day she amazes us with everything she can do. She shouldn’t have been born yet and here she is eating like a champ, gaining weight, pushing herself up on her tummy, grabbing my hair, smiling (yes, probably due to gas), turning her head towards our direction when she hears our voices, and so forth. She’s brilliant and just so lovely. 

I know, at least for a while, when February 23rd rolls around each year, I’ll think of what should have been. So while today is a bit sad for me, there’s also a very bright side to it. After all, I’ve had an extra two months to love and nurture her. We get to cuddle and give kisses all day long and sometimes, there’s nothing better than that. Our hearts are filled with so much love for her and we are so proud to be the parents of our little fighter. Every day is special because of you. We love you, Tegan Rose!


11 Responses to “February 23rd”

  1. Abby Says:

    I know that this is not even remotely the same thing, but I had so much guilt over not being able to breastfeed Milo. I felt like a complete and utter failure as a mother, which was a very negative note on which to start motherhood.

    Looking back, I can see things much more clearly, and now I only feel sad about how much time and energy I wasted feeling like that. You’ve gotta do whatever it takes to let the guilt go. You are a brilliant mom and you did not fail. As you said, you have the proof of that sitting right next to you!

    Hang in there and try to focus on the positive, which it sounds like you’re doing!

  2. Lane Says:

    Just brought a tear to my eye Holly, but a happy one! So glad Tegan is named Tegan and is here and happy! Lots of love…

  3. andrea922 Says:

    Happy ‘due date’ Tegan Rose! I know this day must be hard for you, but what a lovely reminder you have that things happen for a reason. I am so glad she is doing well!

  4. Holly Says:

    Thanks, guys. I really appreciate your comments. They definitely brightened my spirits a bit. xx

    Abby, thanks for sharing your experience. I can definitely relate to what you went through and you’re right- you have to let the guilt go. I think we tend to be hard on ourselves as mothers but in the end, having our little ones happy, healthy and well loved is what matters the most.

  5. gabbysmommy Says:

    Everything will be fine & a late congrats on your LO. My little girl is a month and a half but she’s been so constipated that I feel horrible because I can’t do anything to relieve her pain. check out my page:)

  6. emily Says:

    While it may be a bittersweet day, in the end you have a beautiful and healthy little girl. You’re doing everything you can to give her a wonderful beginning.

  7. CraftyRachel Says:

    Holly, what a beautifully honest post. We definitely tend to be hard on ourselves, for one reason or another. I think you can never feel entirely ready, even if being able to do some of those things would have been what you wanted. The truth is, you did exactly what a good mom would do: trust your instincts and seek the right help you two needed at that time. Thank goodness you were looking out for Tegan!

    I think it’s wonderful you’re looking on the bright side: two extra months of cuddles! If you’re like me, pretty soon you’ll forget about the pregnancy anyway and find it hard to even imagine life before baby’s arrival.

    P.S. I laughed at your Debbie Downer reference! See? you are definitely taking things in stride!

  8. Aisling Says:

    She’s a very lucky little girl!

  9. Lori Says:

    I know you know that you didn’t’ fail, but in case you need to here it: You did not fail or let her down!

    Tegan is so lovely. Sending lots of love and positive thoughts your way.

  10. Holly Says:

    Thanks, everyone. Your kind words really mean a lot to me. And, thank you for your support and boosting my spirits 🙂 xx

  11. Larns Says:

    Holly she is gorgeous! And you did such a great job in nurturing her on the outside as much as the inside, doubling her weight is proof of that! Well done for such an honest post I hope Tegan knows what a special mum she has.

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