Today was Tegan’s estimated delivery date. Instead of having a newborn, I have a 2 month old. I know in all likelihood she probably would not have been born today but still, it does sting a bit to know that she should have been born around this time. In some ways, today is a bit sad for me- it’s like I failed in the pregnancy/mom department. The one thing I was suppose to do was to carry her to term and I failed! But, when I’m feeling down, I just have to look at my sweet little girl and everything is okay.
In many ways, I feel I was robbed of a full pregnancy. I didn’t get to experience my belly growing to its fullest or all the kicks and punches that Tegan could dish out. And yes, I even miss suffering through the back aches and swelling that ail most pregnant women. We didn’t get to have our nine additional weeks of preparing for our loved one. We never got to take our natural childbirth, breastfeeding or Infant CPR & first aid classes. We never got to get our little one’s nursery together or pack our hospital bag. We never got to experience the excitement of those final few weeks or wonder how labor was going to happen. We never… it could go on and on. Instead of being a native of Boston, Tegan is a native of Palm Springs- the place where people go to retire and wind down their lives, not start them! With more time, we could have settled on a different name for our sweet baby girl. Who knows, our Tegan could have been a Sloane, Maeve, Delia or Elyn. Instead, we had to make a split second decision and Tegan Rose it was- we hope you like it, girly!
It’s weird to think that at this moment, Tegan should be growing inside of me. Right now she is double her birth weight and it just amazes me that something her current size- or even bigger- should be in my belly. Sometimes when I hold Tegan and her little feet squirm around on my belly, it feels like she’s kicking from inside of me. It’s weird, I know. As if I didn’t have enough guilt to deal with, my mind goes and plays tricks on me! At times, I feel just terrible that our early bird didn’t get to reap the advantages of maturing to full term and therefore had such a rough go at life from the start. I’m sorry little one. I only hope that having gone through what you’ve experienced makes you stronger.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not always a Debbie Downer and I feel especially happy to have been blessed with a feisty, sweet, beautiful little girl. She’s so very special because she was so brave and so strong to come into the world so early. I read somewhere, that every baby comes through his/ her own door and this was Tegan’s grand entrance…a Christmas miracle.
In the end, we had a happy ending and considering everything we went through, I am so very thankful for a relatively healthy and happy baby girl. I know she will continue to grow big and strong and thrive. Every day she amazes us with everything she can do. She shouldn’t have been born yet and here she is eating like a champ, gaining weight, pushing herself up on her tummy, grabbing my hair, smiling (yes, probably due to gas), turning her head towards our direction when she hears our voices, and so forth. She’s brilliant and just so lovely.
I know, at least for a while, when February 23rd rolls around each year, I’ll think of what should have been. So while today is a bit sad for me, there’s also a very bright side to it. After all, I’ve had an extra two months to love and nurture her. We get to cuddle and give kisses all day long and sometimes, there’s nothing better than that. Our hearts are filled with so much love for her and we are so proud to be the parents of our little fighter. Every day is special because of you. We love you, Tegan Rose!